My Soul, Its in a Shitty Little Hole, but It Won't Stop Talking about the Light

Honestly, I want to be honest, but I also want to be encouraging, and hope-building, and exemplary. I suppose anyone in a leadership position has felt this pull between failure and embarrassment on the one hand, and hypocrisy on the other. Christian leaders are supposed to be faithful and encouraging and zealous and infectiously hopeful in the power and joy of the gospel to transform life. As it turns out, they're all sinners.

I feel this pull and tug typing away on my "Christian" blog. I ought to be churning out thoughtful and edifying and helpful content for the world to read. Why? Because I've said before there's a whole lot to be hopeful about. But sometimes I don't feel very happy or even hopeful; I just feel down and out.

I feel like David: "Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD! O Lord, hear my voice!" It's comforting to know that David, that great follower of Yahweh, was in the depths. David felt dumpy--even had seasons of dumpiness. The leader of God's people stayed up crying in the night, and didn't hear from the Lord. 

"My soul waits for the Lord
       More than the watchmen for the morning,
       More than the watchmen for the morning."

Can you picture a disheveled David, hands in his hair, pacing the night away, waiting for the Lord to show up? Its two o'clock, and he's covered the length of the dining room ten dozen times. Can you picture the startled gate-keeper as David walks past on a Jerusalem sidewalk, yelling to God about his sins?

Do you see David lying sleepless on his bed, it's 3:30 now? David is out of words and prayers, left alone with his tired expectation. I see him scratching his beard and staring at stars on his roof. I see him chewing on the feathery end of his quill, staring at a blank journal page. I see him scanning the East, for the thousandth time.

I see David asleep at last, but he did not go to sleep with a blank journal page. David saw, and, after his nerves calmed, he remembered. In the dusk of dawn David remembered and wrote:

 "If you, O LORD, should mark iniquities,
     O Lord, who could stand? 
But with you there is forgiveness,
     that you may be feared. 
I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
     and in his word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord
     more than watchmen for the morning,
     more than watchmen for the morning.
O Israel, hope in the LORD!
     For with the LORD there is steadfast love,
     and with him is plentiful redemption. 
And he will redeem Israel
     from all his iniquities."
(Psalm 130)

Yes, David stayed up all night waiting, but he remembered. He remembered that he was forgiven from the worst and the sum of his wrongs. David remembered that as sure as the sun would rise Yahweh would send forth his steadfast love. Not only would God save David, the broken and sinful leader, but Yahweh's salvation is sufficient for all his people.

So David went to the temple that morning and sang this song for his people. And I've gone back to my blog. The truth is, I don't feel spiritually alive and full. And yet, this won't stop me from believing, and hoping, and even speaking about the promise of the gospel. Christ's grace will shine forth like again like the noon sun, and show us how foolish all this dark doubting and disbelief has been.