bumblings along the way, or the sentimental sop edition, or when my journal got leaked to the web (a post no one's gonna read)

22 years ago I stumbled into this world, gasping for breath. I really don't remember too much, but I'm told I nearly didn't make it. I am tempted not to care that much about all the stuff that nearly terminated my 22 circles of the sun. I've come full orbit in thinking about birthdays: from celebratory, to materialistic, to waking up the morning of hoping to feel changed, to cynical, to a mystical faith that it mattered anyway, to finally no feeling at all. However empty the day may feel, I can't escape the feeling that I ought to fill it with meaning. Besides, how many excellent excuses come along to write a sappy blog post?

I recently took a moment to read some of the oldest stuff on my blog. I actually blushed when I read some of the stories I posted here a few years ago. They are terrible. Really. I am a bit embarrassed I published these and that they are still online.

Reading some of my older stuff was a humbling project. It is humbling to think that just a few years ago I thought some pretty silly stuff. It's also humbling to think that in a few years the rational, eloquent things I say today will look old, unpolished, and not quite right. And yet it was encouraging to see that some things have greatly changed. I think (I hope) my English composition has changed for the better. Lately its been hard to see any changes at all in my life. This reading provided me with a helpful perspective on exactly what has changed and what hasn't changed at all.

It also provided me with a different perspective on the sparks and rain-showers, muck-holes and near-miss encounters with the sublime, the cynicism and the hubris, all the joy and angst of the past years. It reminds me this odyssey is no chance wandering. I am a sojourner walking towards home, guided and protected by the divine.

The times I was lying on my bedroom floor feeling terrible for myself, and when I was lying in the grass delighting in a sunset both point towards providence. This is a good day to remember that I find myself journeying on the road of providence not chance. All the batterings and blessings have served to keep me on this road. I am in the arms of God's loving providence, and there is no better place to be.

So what do I feel today? Nothing extraordinary. Last year I felt particular joyful and full of thankfulness. I don't feel so buoyant this year. Last year I posted 21 things I was thankful for. This year I don't think I could write that list. Neither do I feel nearly as doubtful and discouraged as I did on my 17th birthday. I wrote a dreary journal entry that year. This year I am rather just OK.

Don't get me wrong: there are things I want to change and resolutions I want to keep. I am not content to stay this way, but for today I am content (well, I am praying towards it at least). I am content that God has brought me to this day OK. Some of my past journal entries remind me it could be much worse. The gospel reminds me that today's forecast is abundant grace in Jesus Christ. It can't get much sunnier.

I want to add one thing to last year's list--one thing for another year. I want to add "perseverance." I am thankful to be alive spiritually for another year. I am thankful for another year of proving God faithful. My heart is still beating, and my physician is the most skillful heart surgeon around--he created my heart.

So here I am. I am not moved by the gospel nearly as much as I ought to be or would like to be. But it is good to remember and reflect on how powerful that Word is. It is also heartening to ponder how mysterious are the workings of the Spirit. "The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not know where it come from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is born of the Spirit."

Thank you Lord for your sovereign control over my life. Lord, please blow here--blow on me. Burst open this bud of faith with sap from your Word and the sun of your Spirit. Change my hope and settled expectation into joy and love and zeal. Lord, come; come here, dear Savior. Don't let this day end without revealing more of your beauty and loveliness to me.

For now it is good to trust Yahweh. It is good to wait for Yahweh.